If Trump Wrote the Gettysburg Address

Thank-you Gettysburg (waving to the crowd)! Hiya! Hey there (waving at some guy in the front), you made it, good to see you (waving at another guy over to the side)!

Wow, lookit this turnout! It’s something isn’t it?

I tell you everywhere I go the crowds are getting bigger and bigger – thank-you, thank-you!

But yet you read some of them Democrat papers and they make it sound like McClelland is surging and they're going to sweep in and end the war -- they're just gonna give up and give in folks (boos from the crowd), then they're gonna reverse the Emancipation Proclamation and go back to the status quo "antebellum" -- that's what they say. What kind of word is that anyway?!

And their leader -- that McClelland, what an idiot. I fired the guy and there was a good reason for it. I know what I am doing. What a dope.

The Democrats got their hands full with that Copperheads crowd too, lemme tell you. I say let them go at one another – that party is falling apart with those Jefferson strict construction Copperheads and the War democrats. Lemme tell ya, though, the army LOVES ME!!

They loved it when I told McClelland YOU’RE FIRED! They loved it when I freed the slaves!

SO now the army, they all love Lincoln.

Speaking of the army, isn’t what they did here terrific?

But hey, before I get started n that -- them Copperheads – you know where they get most of their support — yeah, down here, he’s got it (pointing at some guy, maybe)– FROM IMMIGRANTS, all those Germans and Irish that came over on them boats. And you know most of them are Papists – Catholics.

Now I love my Bible as much as the next guy, its my favorite book. But those leaders in Germany and in the, waddyacallit, Irish, they know what they’re doing. It’s really the Brits you know behind this – their not sending us their best and brightest you know. They’re getting rid of their troublemakers and if it keeps going like this we’re all going to be speaking German. So we gotta put a stop to this stuff.

Don’t get me wrong, I love the Germans and the Irish people – I’m sure they’re mostly good people and I have hundreds – or thousands of them working for me in the army. And they love me too – the whole army does. So now we gotta go face a failed, fired general that the Democrats are running against me – can you believe they went with that guy. What a LOO-ZER!

You know who aren’t losers – all the brave guys in these graves around here.

You know, it really hasn’t been all that long since this great country was formed – 4 score something – but you know, we’re gonna finish this job and make it great again. And you know this country was made great by liberty and equal men all created.

Now we have this terrible terrible war thing going on and I am here to tell you, this country can’t take a lot more of this. It's a test for us, and we're gonna pass that test so big it'll make your head spin. We living gotta finish what these dead guys started doing for us.I know the war hasn’t been going so great all the time, but we got new generals in there and the way I’m gonna lead them, we’re gonna have so many victories, your’re gonna get tired of victories. No, you won’t, I know.

You know what they did here was pretty terrific. I mean it was amazing what they did here and that’s why we’re here today. We should be and I’m gonna make this war great for us again .

We really can’t make this place any greater than it is because what they did was pretty great, it was unbelievable, unbelievable all right. No one cares what everyone here said today, the important thing is that we get this stuff they did here and we keep it going and we’ve got some terrific plans and strategies – they are going to blow you away, believe me!

So we’re going to take their unfinished work and finish it off with some really really good ideas that we’re going to be releasing over the next month or so, don’t you worry about that.

And then after that this country is gonna be great again!


h/t picture thanks to Chad Merda