Tuesday, October 31, 2006


Because I have bandwidth to waste . . . From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

This page has been screened by FOXNews for authenticity and impartiality, and has "terror-proof" protection for her pleasure. While difficult to imagine, there is a miniscule segment of the population (mostly terrorists and liberals) who haven't fully embraced the wholesome, righteous, God-Fearing qualities of The Greatest President in Our History. Click on the following link for a first-hand look at this blasphemy: Biography of President George W. Bush as written by unwashed heathens.

George Walker "Texas Ranger" Bush
George Walker "Texas Ranger" Bush
Term of office: 2001
Preceded by: Slick Willie Blythe
Succeeded by: Dick Cheney
Date of birth: July 6, 1946
Place of birth: New Heaven, Connecticut
First Lady: Laura Welch Bush
Political party: Republican

George W. Bush is the 43rd President of the United States. He was sworn into office on January 20, 2001, re-elected by a landslide on November 2, 2004, and sworn in for a second term on January 20, 2005. His presidency is already being referred to as "America's Golden Presidency". Prior to his Presidency, President Bush served for 6 glorious years as the 46th Governor of the State of Texas, where he earned a reputation for bipartisanship and as a compassionate conservative who shaped public policy based on the principles of limited government, personal responsibility, strong families, and local control. There is now no Governor of Texas, as the US Senate unanimously voted to leave the position permanently open, believing that nobody could do a better job than George.



Short Biography

The great-great-great-great grand uncle of George W. Bush, Abraham Bush, showing that honesty runs in the family.
The great-great-great-great grand uncle of George W. Bush, Abraham Bush, showing that honesty runs in the family.

President Bush (Or "W", short for "wonderful" to his friends) was born on July 6, 1946, in New Heaven, Connecticut, and grew up in Midland and Houston, Texas. He received a master’s degree in history from Yale University in 1968, and then served as an F-102 fighter pilot in the Texas Air National Guard where he earned a Lone Star Medal of Honor, two Adjunct General's Individual Awards, and five purple hearts. President Bush received a Master of Business Administration from Harvard Business School in 1975. Following graduation, he moved back to Midland and began a profitable career in the energy business, demonstrating that hard work and a solid track record are what leads to corporate success in America, not family ties. After working on his father’s successful 1988 Presidential campaign, President Bush assembled the group of partners who purchased the Texas Rangers baseball franchise in 1989, for which he later masterminded a profit-turning sale. His selfless acts of heroism during these years are documented by Chuck Norris in the hit series Walker, Texas Ranger. On November 8, 1994, President Bush was elected as the final Governor of Texas.

President Bush is married to Laura Welch Bush, a former teacher and librarian who was the inspiration for June Cleaver on the popular television show "Leave It To Beaver". They have twin daughters, Barbara and Jenna. The Bush family also includes two dogs, Barney and Miss Beazley, and a cat, Willie.

Notable Acts as President

Bush's National Guard service was often slandered during the 2004 campaign.  Perhaps some even accused him of faking this photo.
Bush's National Guard service was often slandered during the 2004 campaign. Perhaps some even accused him of faking this photo.

Since becoming President of the United States in 2001, President Bush has worked with the Congress to create an ownership society and build a future of security, prosperity, and opportunity for all Americans.

Sympathetic to the tax burden on the common man, he signed into law tax relief that helps workers keep more of their hard-earned money, especially Enron CEOs. In a series of three separate tax cuts, Bush helped end economically disastrous taxation policies and move America to a more free-market economy, leading to a resounding surge in stock market prices across his presidency.

After the terrorist attacks in 2001, Bush introduced and later signed the USA Patriot Act. This patriotic act keeps America free. As of 2006, several unpatriotic members of congress have decided to oppose freedom and try to get parts of the act repealed. However, thanks to Bush's decisive leadership, it still protects America.

God hand-picks George W. Bush for President in 2000 when Florida is unable to make up its mind. (Dramatization)
God hand-picks George W. Bush for President in 2000 when Florida is unable to make up its mind. (Dramatization)

He additionally drafted and signed most comprehensive education reforms in a generation, the No Child Left Behind Act of 2001. This legislation is ushering in a new era of accountability, flexibility, local control, and more choices for parents, affirming our nation’s fundamental belief that no children should be left behind (and helping them make an educated decision on wacky theoretical subjects like evolution and algebra).

President Bush has also tirelessly worked to improve healthcare and modernize Medicare, providing the first-ever prescription drug benefit for seniors. Numerous TV news spots have touted the benefits of this bipartisan bill. If you have not yet had a chance to see them, please contact Karen Ryan at Home Front Communications co/PR Desk for your own copies.

Additional achievements of the president include increasing homeownership, especially among minorities, including special, first-of-its-kind protection for the white, middle class male minority; conserving our environment (fiscal and otherwise); and increasing military strength, pay, and benefits.

Because President Bush believes the strength of America lies in the hearts, souls, and wallets of our citizens, he has supported programs that encourage individuals to help their neighbors in need. The TIPS program reaffirms America's selflessness and trust of its fellow citizens, allowing everyone from the meter maid to the postman to help out in keeping each other safe from terrorists, who we are reminded could look just like everyone else.

The War on Terror

Bush on a recent humanitarian mission to Iraq.
Bush on a recent humanitarian mission to Iraq.

On the morning of September 11, 2001, terrorists attacked the American Nation because they hate freedom. Since then, President Bush has taken unprecedented steps to protect not only America, but the whole of the world, and created a world free from terror. He is grateful for the service and sacrifice of the brave men and women in uniform and their families. Having honorably served in the armed forces, and taking decisive steps to help create America's proud amputee forces, has helped him bond with the troops under his command.

The President is confident that by helping build free and prosperous societies, America and its friends and allies will succeed in making every single country on Earth more secure, and more peaceful. This is known as the "Domino Theory", in that peace and freedom cascade, crashing across the land into a peaceful scattering of countries, much like fallen dominoes.

The War for the Liberation of Iraq

Due to the threat of weapons of mass destruction being used against the United States homeland, Bush bravely overcame world resistance against launching a war for the liberation of the Iraqi people. With US effort, Security Council resolution 1441 was passed, granting the US the authority to invade Iraq. With continued Iraqi belligerence, America was left with no option but to declare war on March 20th, 2003. Terrorist forces loyal to Saddam Hussein (both of them) were quickly overpowered. Presently, the country is on the road to a record-pace reconstruction despite the best efforts of the media to encourage violence.

While decisive leadership by Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld led to an catastrophically successful victory, Saddam had already smuggled out all of the weapons of mass destruction from the country into Syria and Iran, which are presently preparing to use them against the United States homeland. Bush is currently working on bravely overcoming world resistance against launching wars for the liberation of the Iranian and Syrian people.

North Korea's bids for notoriety have only been reluctantly rewarded with diplomatic discussions.


See Also

(h/t to Cicero's Songs)


Gort said...

How long have you worked on this one? Love it.

A Big Fat Slob said...

Oh, no, all I did was cut and paste it from Uncyclopedia, from "http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/George_W._Bush".

I am not anywhere near that clever!